Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
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