I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
