I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
