I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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