I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
