I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize