Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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