i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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