eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
