new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
