There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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