Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
