There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
