Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
