he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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