They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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