half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
