are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Randomize