i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize