my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize