Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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