he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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