It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He kissed a someone with a penis
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
