i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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