I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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