we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
