i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
