She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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