Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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