i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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