im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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