You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
