yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
