Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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