i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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