The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize