I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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