Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
