I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
