I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you would pick up someone in the library
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
