Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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