I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
