Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
