he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
