apparently the secret to your success is patron
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
