I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
