I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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