just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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