How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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