But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
