everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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