Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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