Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
