I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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