Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
