I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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