You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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