I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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