Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
