Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
