my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize