I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
