Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
