Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize