that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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