booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
